I was reading a fictional book about, well silly as it sounds, a banished from her clan, laudanum addicted werewolf who was born on a full moon which gave her the ability to basically go ape shit on anyone or anything shredding it into a million pieces. Basically she's #1 bad-ass, and you don't fuck with her LOL. Every night I looked forward to shedding all my clothes then sliding under my silky, soft pink sheets to drift off into a loft in London where I vicariously lived my life through her. That book was called Curse Of The Wolf Girl by Martin Millar. Then it was over, I had read the last line on the very last page. For about a week I went into a slight state of depression searching for something new to jump into. I was going to read a book (which I will as soon as I am finished with my current reads) called Good Bad Woman by Elizabeth Woodcraft. I'm extremely interested in this book as I was hooked upon reading the synopsis of the story....Lesbian framed for murder. Trying to prove her innocence as she's simultaneously falling in love with a sexy and mysterious woman. Honestly the book had me at its title. Just sounds like it's full of juicy words and sexual innuendos LOL.
What do I do? I put the book down before opening up to page 1. I tell myself it is time for another one of those "self help" or "enlightenment/awakening" type books. I was stoked, Yeahhhh this will be great! So I chose a book I bought at the used book store on 39th St & Bell in KCMO. The title was promising, and I have been increasingly curious about the Zen and Zazen way of living life. Owning It, Zen and the Art of Facing Life by Perle Besserman is what I settled on. Things were quite well until one day I had about 20 minutes to spare so I stopped in at a local antique store near by. I was instantly drawn to the sections where they had used books. Spent several minute thumbing through each one, bypassing the History section LOL, until I stumbled on a book that well only grabbed my attention because it had full and crescent moons all over it. It took hold of me not allowing me to put it back on the shelf. I had picked up One Day My Soul Just Opened Up by Iyanla Vanzant. It happens to be a workbook as well as a just a book. Oh Great, what have I got myself tangled up in LOL?
So now I am stuck with these two books that now seem to be my worse enemy LOL. They said that might happen. The author said I might want to throw the book away, put it down, stop reading it or instead of taking 40 Days / 40 Nights to work through...it might take 6 months LOL. HOWEVER, they forgot to mention that I would also get angry, uncomfortable, be faced with sides of myself that are not as shiny as the rest of me, thrown out of my comfort zone, and having feelings of wanting to run as fast and as far away from these books as I could go. Basically since I started reading these books, all hell has broken loose. When I bring issues not dealt with that lay dormant inside me to light, sometimes my body's reactions are like that of a vampire being thrown out onto the lawn on a hot sunny July day LOL. Nooooooooo!!!! MAKE .... IT.... STOP!!! It's too painful, and I just want to have Fun LOL.
Isn't it funny how when you are just going along day-to-day just "living" that nothing seems to go wrong, no storms are thrown your way and you seem to be able to handle any and all situations that you come face-to-face? As soon,...and I mean, AS SOON,...as you take one step in trying to improve even .00001% of yourself the shit just seems to hit the fan LOL. It's fucking maddening, but at the same time this lets me know....I am on the right track!!! When I feel like I am going backwards or in a strange limbo, this is usually when shortly after I find myself hurdled forward capturing massive Healing or Self Improvement. That limbo or going in reverse feeling is a very scary and lonely place, but I know it is the place where my internal surgery is taking place preparing me for an even better Heart, Mind and Soul that can not only help myself, but be a light for others as well. How can I help others if I can not first help myself? When I am full, I can give to others. When I am empty, others can give to me. The Cycle of Giving is a 50/50 road.
I made a commitment that I would participate fully absorbing all that it is trying to show and teach me. I made a commitment that I would finish each book entirely whether it takes me 40 days and 40 nights, or it takes me 3 1/2 years LOL. Thank God for Yoga, Meditation and Wine!! Otherwise I might go postal on some poor innocent soul taking out all my chaotic bull shit on them. Which I have, and no it does not serve any good purpose to myself or the ones I lash out at. Healing is rarely a painless journey. In fact I would say Healing is more often very painful, majorly uncomfortable, quite painstaking, and extremely time consuming. The harder I work, the longer I commit and the more sweat/blood/tears I shed the better my outcome.
February 17th, 2010 I made a commitment to myself that I would take part in a Healing Journey that I knew only had a beginning, but was not told where and when it would end. I have a SNEAKY suspicion I might have been conned into this contract. As of this date there is no end in sight, and I have become aware that this will be a life long journey. Ugh!!! I am not a long term project person LOL. I am more of a short term project with more immediate gratification kind of gal LOL. None-the-less, I signed it in blood, euphemistically speaking of course, but I hold that commitment in extremely high regard giving it my all even if my all on some days is just trying to sit still while listening to a 2-5 minute Healing Affirmation by Deepak Chopra.
So while I know these two "hey I wanna be a better person" books will bring forth positive changes in my life, I am still super eager to dive into another fictional book where I can become the main character, and live once again vicariously through her "Love, Loss, Laughter and the Law". :-D~